I remember being in my late 30s, in a sexless relationship, with two children and a partner of ten years. The internet wasn’t alive and kicking with endless advice. Instagram wasn’t a thing, and I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t know about Tantra or sex therapists, so, like many people, I turned to a friend.

What she told me is still being said around the globe today:

“That’s normal for long-term relationships.”

“Buy yourself a vibrator.”

So I let the whole thing go, and the situation stayed the same.

Some years later, the relationship ended.

There is a whole story in between, and I’m not directing blame in any direction, but there is a sadness. A sadness that I had no idea who to talk to, what to say, what might be behind it, or what to do about it.

(For clarification, when I say a sexless relationship, I mean one in which one or both of you doesn’t want it to be that way.)

Now, let’s get this straight. I am not a couples counsellor or relationship therapist, and there are many layers, complexities and nuances to this situation. I’m not going to simplify it into three simple steps to get your sex life back.

What I am going to say is this:

The idea that long-term relationships—and older people—should simply expect a sexless or intimacy-free life (unless that is genuinely wanted and agreed by both partners) is simply not true.

Sex and intimacy often get lost, neglected, downgraded, taken for granted, or we imagine they should just happen naturally without any effort on our part.

I disagree, both from a personal and professional perspective.

We need to put time, attention and intention into them.

In my work, I often hear people talk about going to the gym to get fit. They understand that if they stop going, they’ll gradually get out of shape. Or perhaps they’re already out of shape and are taking action to change that. They accept it’s going to take consistent effort to get back on track, and that they won’t always feel like it.

Our intimate lives are no different.

Sex and intimacy naturally change over time, and we can learn new ways of being together. Not just new tips and tricks—although those can be joyful and fun—but new ways of showing up with ourselves and with each other.

Often, what worked at the beginning simply stops working in the long term.

I sometimes use the analogy of fish and chips. You might absolutely love fish and chips, but if you were served them every single day, eventually you’d become bored of them. You might even start to dread dinner time. You might still eat them because you think that’s all that’s available.

Then life adds more ingredients.

Babies.

Children.

Family life.

Medical issues.

Unaddressed trauma.

Financial pressure.

Work commitments.

Ageing parents.

The menopause.

General life stress.

In fact, unaddressed stress is often one of the biggest contributors to intimacy disappearing.

If this is you, here is my recommendation.

Acknowledge that there is an issue.

Accept that it probably won’t change overnight.

Then take action.

If you wanted to get fit, you might join a gym.

If you wanted a promotion, you might invest in training.

If you wanted to learn any other skill, you would probably seek out someone with experience to guide you.

Why would your intimate relationship be any different?

Talk to a sex therapist, a Tantra teacher or a somatic sex coach.

Tell them your story.

Tell them what it used to be like, what happened, and what you long for now.

With guidance, begin to get curious.

Practice new ways of relaxing.

Communicating.

Touching.

Listening.

Attuning to your partner.

Take small steps.

Let go of what you think it should look like, or where you think it has to end up.

Sometimes the smallest shifts create the biggest changes.

There is no embarrassment or shame in asking for help.

I often wish someone like me had been around when I was looking for answers all those years ago.

Perhaps my relationship journey would have been different.

If you—or you and your partner—want to explore what’s possible, you absolutely can, and I’d love to help.

Don’t believe the story that sex and intimacy have to die in long-term relationships.

They don’t.

 

Much love,

Harmony  💝

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x

 

Touch is our first language. We may not say our first recognisable word until we are almost 12 months old, so until then we are reliant on touch, sound and facial expression to know we are loved and cared for.

Touch means something to each of us, and its has genuine benefits.

Research has found that babies who don’t receive adequate touch, even if they receive food and water, can experience emotional and social challenges later in life.

As we get older, our touch history begins to show itself.

From a couple’s perspective, you are unlikely to like exactly the same type of touch or the same amount of touch as your partner. While some people feel that touch and cuddling are absolutely essential, for others they’re nice to have, and for some they can bring an awkwardness or even an aversion to touch.

Not wanting to give or receive touch does not necessarily mean you don’t love, or are not loved by, your partner (although it could be an indicator that something is amiss). It does mean you may need to understand what you or they do or don’t like. And to do that, you’re going to need to talk about it and try out some things.

It also doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, or even that you should.

But it doesn’t mean there isn’t a possibility that you could offer something to your partner that they would enjoy and that still feels OK for you to give.

If your partner is really touch-averse, you may need to look a little deeper before telling yourself stories such as:

• Intimacy is no longer possible.
• You can’t get what you need.
• Your partner is having an affair, or that you might need to.

Instead, you might ask:

• How stressed are they… or are we?
• Was there a time when touch was available and then wasn’t? What changed?
• Is there something we are sweeping under the carpet that needs addressing?
• How would you like to be touched? And have I shared my own preferences?

More recently, we are also asking whether neurodiversity might play a part.

There is a lot of necessary conversation in the therapy world about autism and ADHD at the moment, so you may want to explore this if the touch aspect of your relationship is creating too many waves, too often, in your relational field.

Touch or cuddling can be overwhelming or underwhelming for some people, and it can really help to understand why. Let’s find out more and take away the blame that understandably arises when we don’t get our needs met.

Touch doesn’t have to be big or sexual, although it could be. It could also be a hand on the shoulder, a simple stroke through your hair, or, if you’re open to it, a full-body sensual massage. And what feels good may be different on different days.

Touch can help us to feel wanted, safe, loved and cared for. It can calm us in this crazy world that seems to get faster and faster.

Our nervous systems learn about connection through touch. Safe, attuned touch can calm us. Touch that feels intrusive, predatory, absent or unpredictable can leave an imprint. Sometimes memories come up and need a safe place to land. That’s not always something a partner can or should hold alone.

Something I hear a lot, and that saddens me, is when people say, “I just don’t like being touched,” or “My partner doesn’t like my touch,” or “We haven’t touched in years.”

I know how hard this can be to share. It can bring up shame and embarrassment.

I am here for that.

To share the unshareable.

Together, we go underneath it to discover what happened.

If touch has gone off the menu in your relationship, feels difficult, mismatched, or simply isn’t what you want it to be, do reach out.

I work with individuals and couples through Touch Therapy and Devotional Tantra Massage.

We look at what touch was like in the past, what happened, what it’s like now, and how you would like your relationship with touch to evolve.

If one of you isn’t enjoying touch or intimacy, the likelihood is that it isn’t working very well for either of you. Let’s get to the root of what’s happening and make it better for everyone.

Let’s get beyond the distance or the dissatisfaction and find a way back to one another.

You deserve that.

And so do they.

Let’s get talking about touch…

…and touching to talk.

Much love,

Harmony  💝

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x

 

I am a mother.

 

For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute discovery call with me.

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x

 

Much of life is mundane, everyday tasks are repetitive.

And yet we also live in a time when the pace of life is faster than ever before.

Where predictability in the world is at an all-time low and where without a faith, or a spiritual or religious practice to anchor hearts and bodies, life is challenging.

This is why I do what I do.

This is why Tantra is so important.

This is why Devotion and Ritual is about making things more special than everyday life.

This is why we provide sessions where YOU are nourished and held and celebrated without expectation or pressure to prove, perform or reciprocate.

A place where you are honoured for who you are rather than measured for what you are not.

I am dedicated to providing spaces beyond the everyday where YOU can drop into a different reality of space and time, beyond social media, the news and cultural norms.

A place of quiet, peace, and unconditional love and acceptance.

This is Tantra. This is Devotion. This can be a way of life.

Until we meet again try one of the following:

• Light a candle as you sit down for a meal
• Arrange a bunch of favourite flowers in a place where you will notice them
• Take a few minutes just softly gazing at your partner, child, or pet
• Sit in nature and slowly speak out loud to name all the details you see
• Reach out and offer appreciation to a loved one
• Look into your own eyes in a mirror for one minute

See you in a session soon.

In Love and Devotion 💝

Harmony

 

For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute discovery call with me.

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x

The years of COVID lockdowns and isolation had a big impact on people who live alone.

Avoidance has been the dominant feature of relating, which in fact is the opposite of intimacy!

Some people have gone for weeks or months without handshakes, hugs or even touch between family and friends.

I recently had a client who told me that he hadn’t been hugged for more than two years!

Let’s hope those times are behind us.

Positive, healthy and meaningful touch is what we offer in a Four-handed Massage and a Devotional Tantra Massage.

And singles are REALLY REALLY  welcome.

In dedication to your need for devoted touch.

💝 Harmony

For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute discovery call with me.

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x

 

EVERYONE deserves touch.

Touch is one of our most fundamental human needs.

 

For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute call with me.

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x