A Sad But All Too Common Story
I remember being in my late 30s, in a sexless relationship, with two children and a partner of ten years. The internet wasn't alive and kicking with endless advice. Instagram wasn't a thing, and I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know about Tantra or sex therapists, so, like many people, I turned to a friend.
What she told me is still being said around the globe today:
"That's normal for long-term relationships."
"Buy yourself a vibrator."
So I let the whole thing go, and the situation stayed the same.
Some years later, the relationship ended.
There is a whole story in between, and I'm not directing blame in any direction, but there is a sadness. A sadness that I had no idea who to talk to, what to say, what might be behind it, or what to do about it.
(For clarification, when I say a sexless relationship, I mean one in which either or both partners doesn't want it to be that way.)
There is Another Way
Now, let's get this straight. I am not a couples counsellor or relationship therapist, and there are many layers, complexities and nuances to this situation. I'm not going to simplify it into three simple steps to get your sex life back.
What I am going to say is this: The idea that long-term relationships—and older people—should simply expect a sexless or intimacy-free life (unless that is genuinely wanted and agreed by both partners) is simply not true.
Sex and intimacy often get lost, neglected, downgraded, taken for granted, or we imagine they should just happen naturally without any effort on our part. I disagree with that, both from a personal and professional perspective. We need to put time, attention and intention into them.
In my work, I often hear people talk about going to the gym to get fit. They understand that if they stop going, they'll gradually get out of shape. Or perhaps they're already out of shape and are taking action to change that. They accept it's going to take consistent effort to get back on track, and that they won't always feel like it.
Our intimate lives are no different.
Sex and intimacy naturally change over time, and we can learn new ways of being together. Not just new tips and tricks—although those can be joyful and fun—but new ways of showing up with ourselves and with each other.
Often, what worked at the beginning simply stops working in the long term.
I sometimes use the analogy of fish and chips. You might absolutely love fish and chips, but if you were served them every single day, eventually you'd become bored of them. You might even start to dread dinner time. You might still eat them because you think that's all that's available.
Then life adds more ingredients:
- Babies.
- Children.
- Family life.
- Medical issues.
- Unaddressed trauma.
- Financial pressure.
- Work commitments.
- Ageing parents.
- The menopause.
- General life stress.
In fact, unaddressed stress is often one of the biggest contributors to intimacy disappearing.
Some Suggestions for You
If this is you, here is my recommendation.
Acknowledge that there is an issue.
Accept that it probably won't change overnight.
Then take action.
If you wanted to get fit, you might join a gym.
If you wanted a promotion, you might invest in training.
If you wanted to learn any other skill, you would probably seek out someone with experience to guide you.
Why would your intimate relationship be any different?
Talk to a sex therapist, a Tantra teacher or a somatic sex coach.
Tell them your story.
Tell them what it used to be like, what happened, and what you long for now.
With guidance, begin to get curious.
Practice new ways of:
- Relaxing
- Communicating
- Touching.
- Listening
- Attuning to your partner
Take small steps.
Let go of what you think it should look like, or where you think it has to end up.
Sometimes the smallest shifts create the biggest changes. There is no embarrassment or shame in asking for help.
I often wish someone like me had been around when I was looking for answers all those years ago. Perhaps my relationship journey would have been different.
If you—or you and your partner—want to explore what's possible, you absolutely can, and I'd love to help.
Don't believe the story that sex and intimacy have to die in long-term relationships.
They don't.
Much love,
Harmony 💝
Find out more about...
Embodied Sexuality Coaching with Harmony Isgolde
Devotional Tantra Massage with Harmony
Four-handed Massage with the team
Couples Four Handed Massage Sessions (with Peter and Harmony)
For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute discovery call with me.
If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.
Go on, give it a try…
To Your Pleasure
Harmony x
