Over the last several years I have heard this quite a lot from men.
And I often hear this before their GP does, before the conversation with a trusted friend, before the therapist or the counsellor and sometimes even before they’ve been able to talk to their partner about it.
I hear the worry underneath it. I hear the confusion. I hear the embarrassment and even the shame.
This is not one you are likely gonna bring up at the pub, or at a dinner party or take it to the gym to ask if any other men have the same issue. It's often held alone, in isolation, alone, for weeks, months, years or even decades.
What’s happened to me?
Why don’t I want sex anymore?
Is something wrong with me?
But actually, when a man tells me “I have lost my mojo” or "we have lost OUR mojo" I know he isn't experiencing the sexual desire he used to. He might be in a relationship or not but regardless, the questions are similar.
But I don't yet know why, and nor does he. And I think this is where I go into what I call, the embodied detective Mode, and to do this it can be really useful to slow things down and get curious, rather than immediately trying to come up with the solution.
Because there are so many possibilities...
Maybe he's working incredibly hard and carrying a huge amount of stress.
Maybe he's exhausted and hasn't had a decent night's sleep for years.
Maybe he's taking medication which has affected his desire, his erections or his ability to orgasm.
Maybe he's getting older and his body and sexuality are changing.
Maybe his partner is going through menopause and her relationship with sex has changed.
Maybe she's experiencing pain, dryness or hormonal changes.
Maybe she simply doesn't want sex in the way she used to.
Maybe there is love between them, but also resentment, disconnection or unresolved stuff that has gradually found its way into their sexual relationship.
Maybe he's stopped feeling desired.
Maybe he's had a few experiences of not getting or staying hard and now sex has quietly become a performance test.
Will I get hard?
Will I stay hard?
Will she be disappointed?
What's wrong with me?
And once sex becomes a test, it's not particularly surprising that desire can start to disappear. Because who wants to sit an exam every time they get into bed?
And then there is something else I sometimes wonder about...
Was the sex actually that enjoyable in the first place?
Because, in my experience men can be very good at carrying on.
Doing what is expected (in and out of the bedroom)
Trying hard to get and keep an erection.
Having sex (whether they want to or not)
Making sure their partner gets an orgasm
and assuming that because their body can do something, they must therefore be enjoying it.
But what if there was never really that much space to explore what you actually enjoy?
What if sex has become something you do, rather than something you deeply experience?
And How Do I Respond?
So when a man says to me:
“I've lost my mojo.”
One of the questions I might ask is:
Tell me about what sex used to be like for you in the past
Or:
“When did that change?"
Because that can open up a much bigger conversation.
When did you first notice it?
What was happening in your life?
What was happening in your relationship?
How were you feeling at the time?
What was sex like then?
What is it like now?
How do you feel when your partner touches you?
How do you enjoy being touched?
Do you feel pressure when affection starts?
Do you worry that every touch means you have to go all the way?
Tell me about what pleasure means for you, in your body?
How desired do you feel?
What is connection like between you and your partner(s)
Are you actually wanting more sex—or are you wanting something else?
Connection?
To be seen, valued, wanted for you, not just what you do?
Affection?
Touch?
Pleasure?
To feel alive in your body again?
This is why I don't see sexuality as being just about sex. Our sexuality is part of us. It's affected by our relationships, our stress, our bodies, our confidence, our experiences, our age, our health, our beliefs about sex and what we have learned to expect from ourselves as men. And sometimes, I think men need somewhere they can take all of that without immediately being told what to do.
That is part of what I offer through my Devotional Tantra Massage/bodywork and Desire-based Coaching.
It isn't ALL about trying to get your penis to show up, or last, although this may be part of your desire we will explore.
It isn't all about them or you or the kids or the work.
It isn't about proving anything to me, or anyone else.
And it isn't about coming in because you have a “problem” that I am going to fix in one session.
It's about slowing down.
Getting out of your head and back into your body.
Exploring touch and sensation without everything having to have a goal.
Learning what it feels like to receive rather than perform.
And perhaps beginning to discover a different relationship with your own sexuality.
Sometimes that can be surprisingly simple.
And sometimes there are other pieces that need attention too—medical, relational, emotional or psychological. I'm not interested in pretending that one form of bodywork is the answer to everything.
But I do believe that sexuality deserves to be looked at as a whole and this is why I trained and became certified as a Somatic Sex Coach. And I think we can sometimes be too quick to label something "no mojo" when actually it is the body telling us that something has changed.
So if you are a man thinking: “I've completely lost my mojo, What's wrong with me?” then perhaps a gentler question to begin with is:
“I wonder what has changed?”
And then...
“What do I actually want now?”
This is where we begin.
In dedication to your need to reignite your mojo.
💝 Harmony
For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute discovery call with me.
If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.
Go on, give it a try…
To Your Pleasure
Harmony x
