Touch – When Touch Feels Difficult

Touch is our first language. We may not say our first recognisable word until we are almost 12 months old, so until then we are reliant on touch, sound and facial expression to know we are loved and cared for.

Touch means something to each of us, and its has genuine benefits.

Research has found that babies who don’t receive adequate touch, even if they receive food and water, can experience emotional and social challenges later in life.

As we get older, our touch history begins to show itself.

From a couple’s perspective, you are unlikely to like exactly the same type of touch or the same amount of touch as your partner. While some people feel that touch and cuddling are absolutely essential, for others they’re nice to have, and for some they can bring an awkwardness or even an aversion to touch.

Not wanting to give or receive touch does not necessarily mean you don’t love, or are not loved by, your partner (although it could be an indicator that something is amiss). It does mean you may need to understand what you or they do or don’t like. And to do that, you’re going to need to talk about it and try out some things.

It also doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, or even that you should.

But it doesn’t mean there isn’t a possibility that you could offer something to your partner that they would enjoy and that still feels OK for you to give.

If your partner is really touch-averse, you may need to look a little deeper before telling yourself stories such as:

• Intimacy is no longer possible.
• You can’t get what you need.
• Your partner is having an affair, or that you might need to.

Instead, you might ask:

• How stressed are they… or are we?
• Was there a time when touch was available and then wasn’t? What changed?
• Is there something we are sweeping under the carpet that needs addressing?
• How would you like to be touched? And have I shared my own preferences?

More recently, we are also asking whether neurodiversity might play a part.

There is a lot of necessary conversation in the therapy world about autism and ADHD at the moment, so you may want to explore this if the touch aspect of your relationship is creating too many waves, too often, in your relational field.

Touch or cuddling can be overwhelming or underwhelming for some people, and it can really help to understand why. Let’s find out more and take away the blame that understandably arises when we don’t get our needs met.

Touch doesn’t have to be big or sexual, although it could be. It could also be a hand on the shoulder, a simple stroke through your hair, or, if you’re open to it, a full-body sensual massage. And what feels good may be different on different days.

Touch can help us to feel wanted, safe, loved and cared for. It can calm us in this crazy world that seems to get faster and faster.

Our nervous systems learn about connection through touch. Safe, attuned touch can calm us. Touch that feels intrusive, predatory, absent or unpredictable can leave an imprint. Sometimes memories come up and need a safe place to land. That’s not always something a partner can or should hold alone.

Something I hear a lot, and that saddens me, is when people say, “I just don’t like being touched,” or “My partner doesn’t like my touch,” or “We haven’t touched in years.”

I know how hard this can be to share. It can bring up shame and embarrassment.

I am here for that.

To share the unshareable.

Together, we go underneath it to discover what happened.

If touch has gone off the menu in your relationship, feels difficult, mismatched, or simply isn’t what you want it to be, do reach out.

I work with individuals and couples through Touch Therapy and Devotional Tantra Massage.

We look at what touch was like in the past, what happened, what it’s like now, and how you would like your relationship with touch to evolve.

If one of you isn’t enjoying touch or intimacy, the likelihood is that it isn’t working very well for either of you. Let’s get to the root of what’s happening and make it better for everyone.

Let’s get beyond the distance or the dissatisfaction and find a way back to one another.

You deserve that.

And so do they.

Let’s get talking about touch…

…and touching to talk.

Much love,

Harmony  💝

If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.

Go on, give it a try…

To Your Pleasure

Harmony x