When you enter my room you are bringing more than your current problem, desire or curiosity.
You bring with you the stories, beliefs and experiences of the men who came before you and the men who surrounded you when you were young. The men who shaped you.
Fathers, grandfathers, uncles, big brothers, pop idols, sports champions, film stars and politicians. Then there were colleagues and bosses and social media influencers.
On the pitch, in the pub, in the street, on the internet, it all made its mark.
So I wonder, we wonder together, what have you learnt and from whom? And what does all this mean for you now?
Your first influence would likely have been your father, present or absent.
If he was not around at all this is another layer of learning.
What did he teach you about being a man, not just through what he said, but through how he lived?
What did you see in your grandfather? Or what do you know about how he lived his life in relationship, in his sexuality or his energy. What did power mean to him? or the responsibility of being the head of the household?
Was it okay to talk about sex, desire, women, men, relationships?
What was expected of him? And what did he have to keep to himself? And now you?
Perhaps you've learnt to be strong, to get on with things and not show too much emotion. Perhaps you've felt you should know what to do in bed, be confident, make the first move or always be ready for sex. Maybe you learnt that women were subservient, or the boss. Maybe your Dad was always "on business". Maybe he had affairs, maybe he hid in the shed, the office or the golf course.
Maybe you saw or heard things that didn't sound right, or made you feel embarrassed, awkward or ashamed. What if the unspoken family code was not to feel, not to ask or not to trust.
In your own relationships perhaps it's not always been easy to know, let alone talk about, what you really want or to ask for the kind of touch you enjoy, or to admit when you're feeling unsure. What if the other person feels uncomfortable?
What else did you learn about intimacy and connection?
Did you witness touch, tenderness, hand-holding, kissing, snogging on the couch, arguments, separate bedtimes or separate beds? Who initiated intimacy? Or no-one?
Were there comments on your mother's appearance, what type? How did these impact here?
Was there criticism of your Dads behaviour? and what did he do when that happened?
What were the expectations of being a girl or boy when you were dating?
Did you live in peace or turbulence? laughter and love? Was there violence, or sexual abuse? Was there practical compatibility but no juice? Was there consistency and niceness?
Maybe porn - top shelf magazines you knew he looked at or things you found in the cupboard?
And perhaps there's a part of you that wants something more, but you are busy with work, kids, or ageing parents.
Maybe it feels too late and you tell yourself you should be happy you have your best friend living with you (even if there's no sexy stuff).
Underneath you wonder about sex. You think about the things you would like to explore so you have more freedom to explore your sexuality, more confidence in your body,
We all carry things we've learnt along the way. Some of them serve us well. Others might be worth looking at again.
If sex, intimacy and relating is empty, absent, dull or drifting get in touch.
It's not disloyal to say that you want more. It's not a slur on your partner that you feel dissatisfied, and it certainly doesn't mean you don't love them.
What it means is that you need help, a new or emerging blueprint for who and how you are now, today, in your body.
Life is short, let's live and love in our own skin.
With love,
💝 Harmony
For more details send me an email or book a free 15 minute discovery call with me.
If you book a call, there’s no pressure or expectation, simply a warm confidential chat where you can ask anything and be fully heard, which will help you decide what’s best for you.
Go on, give it a try…
To Your Pleasure
Harmony x
